As the holiday season fast approaches for those of us who have lost a birth child it is not something we look forward to. As I told you in my post on December 23rd 2010 here
It’s almost 2 years since I made that post. I wish I could say much has changed, it hasn’t.
I am almost 2 years older and I have come to realize some very hard truths. There have been many points through the years since I met my birth son that I have to face facts that hurt. Face the loss that continued. But there is one that made a big difference. Let me tell you where this started.
I’m not sure if it was 2 years ago, or last year, that I got this message.
My birthson, Jamie, in a message to me told me that he his father was giving him the motorized train that had always been under the family tree, for him to put under his Christmas tree at his home. He was passing on the family tradition, from Father to son.
That was the start of a new awakening of dealing with the loss of my son, and realizing that no matter what I did in the past, what I did now, or what I did in the future, would change what happened, or build a relationship that was forever lost.
That may sound strange.
But as a birth mother I was forever hopeful that somehow, through time, that my birth son would come to see me as his mother. Would want to build a family connection as Mother and child.
I now know it won’t happen.
Yes it makes me incredibly sad. I did not plan to give him up for adoption, I did not decide to give him up for adoption, I did not agree to give him up for adoption.
He was taken away from me.
When I found Jamie I knew it would take time to get to know each other (after all he was an adult by then), but I always believed that he would come around — that he would see I am his mother — that we would finally be able to have the relationship I had lost all those years ago. It didn’t happen. Are we friends? I think so, and hope so.
But I am not his family, no matter how much I wish it were different.
What I want to tell other birth mothers out there that may be reading this is to do hang on to the hope of finding your bath child — always hang on to the hope. But — But — if there is any wise words I can give you that may help with the pain of finding your child and what comes after is please do not count on a ‘family relationship’. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It is more common with Mother and Daughter than with Mother and Son, but it is rare.
Our lives were forever changed because our child was taken. Both your lives.
As the Mother you know the loss, you physically, and emotionally, feel the loss. The child has a totally different experience. The birth child may have emotional difficulties because of what happened, may have trust issues, may even feel an emotional loss, but they do not feel the same connection.
We gave birth to them — not them to us. So it is different for Mother and child.
Having said all of that. Do not give up. Finding your child, meeting your child, having any — any kind of a relationship with your child is better than never knowing what happened to them.
Sending love to all birth parents out there.
Jan
P.S. I will updated my journal entries from our meeting soon.
