Going back a bit, When Dr. XX finally contacted me and told my birth son I was looking for him ‘Jamie’ first said he might want to talk to me. Then he said if I really wanted contacted contact then I should fly to meet him.
So my journal entry of August 14, 1992
“The date is set for August 21… I am really excited and also very scared. I haven’t heard fro Dr. XX or Jamie since saying “yes” to flying back.”
I was booking my flights in conjunction with my sister flying back as well for her daughter giving birth. It was working out so well in that I had emotional help, at least going there.
During this time I was frantic because I was not hearing back from the Dr or my birth son, and so afraid that I was going to go there and not have contact.
My journal:
“So a week today I fly back to Toronto. I thought I’d never go back. I had long given up hope that I would be flying back for this reason. I still really can’t believe I’m going back to meet my son, but I do thank God this has happened. Since all this has happened I wonder what he looks like. Does he look line me — or is he the ‘spitting image’ of his birth father- is he tall (he must be). So much I wonder.
Top of the list, will he like me. Will he recognize me as someone familiar. Will he fill a part of me. Or will he look at me as some ‘older lady’ who says she’s his mother but he doesn’t see it. He only see’s a stranger.
The more I think about it the more unreal it seems and the more worried I am that our reunion won’t touch his heart. But — I still believe that some where in his subconscious he knows the love I sent him when I was pregnant. The greatest loss of my life will soon be walking back int.
I am scared, very scared, but I am also very happy.
Inside of me I am full of tears. I cried for 22 years. I cry now because I am so happy and excited that I am going to meet my son soon. Emotions run wild!!”
More later…
