When Your Birth Child Goes Silent

The silence of your birth child is hard.. very hard

The relation­ship between a birth mother and birth child is not an easy one after they have connected. In the beginning, at least for me, there were a lot of questions, a lot of sharing, and a lot of pain. There was also a great deal of trying to bring mother and child back together — bring us back together.

But I have realized that it is not that easy.

The birth child feels that he/she was abandoned.  While the birth mother, in my case, felt that she was lied to, taken advantage of, when my child was taken from me shortly after birth without my consent.

There is a lot of pain for both the birth child and the birth mother.  Feelings of incred­i­ble loss and abandonment.

My birth son and I spent many years talking and many years not talking.  When he stopped connect­ing with me I felt that I had done something wrong.  That, again, I was somehow guilty for him being taken away from me when he was born.  Of course I wasn’t.  Nor did it have anything to do with him cutting contact with me.

There were years of talking, a lot, and years of not talking at all. Those times that he stopped talking, broke our connec­tion, broke my heart.  It wasn’t his fault, he was protect­ing himself from being hurt again.  Yes, from me. I would never hurt him.

Of course I would never hurt my birth child. But he didn’t know that, and doesn’t know that.

I am currently reading a book, that I won’t name until I finish it, that has given me great insight into the relation­ship between a birth child and birth mother.  It has opened my eyes to the relation­ship that my birth son and I struggle to have, on both sides.

The past numbers of years I felt we were finally connect­ing, finally building a relation­ship, and able to really love each other.

Then something changed between us.

He made some major life changes. I was not part of his decisions, nor was I really told of them.  But it seemed telling me, even a bit, was too much and the connec­tion was basically lost.

I tried to reach out the only way I knew how, which was not the right way. I reached out through my fear of losing him again.  He, I believe, stopped reaching out to me through his fear of losing me again.

Abandon­ment is a huge issue with both the birth child and birth mother.

From reading this book, which I will tell you about soon, I have come to realize that no matter what I feel about my birth son cutting connec­tion I have to turn away from my own fear of abandon­ment.  I have to send my birth son love, accep­tance, and tell him I will always be here for him (even if I can’t say it to him in person or on the phone).

Any birth mother will tell you that the silence from their birth child is deafening.  It tears the heart open and scares them to death.  But, as a birth mother, this birth mother, I have to get past that, for my birth son, so he will know that no matter what, no matter if he is silent for a week, month, or years, I, his birth Mum will always be here for him because I love him unconditionally.

I am his B‑Mum… he needs to know that I will always be his B‑Mum no matter what.

I knew the second he was conceived, I loved him from that moment on, I knew he was a boy, I named him Jamie and always talked to him when he was in my tummy calling him Jamie.

What happened to us, to me, the birth mother, and to Jamie, the birth child, we had no control over.  We do have control over our love for each other.

Whether Jamie can come back and admit he loves me will never change my love for him.  I am his Mum, always will be and that will never change nor will my undying love for him.

I miss you!!