The years after my son was taken away right after he was born sent me into such a downward spiral that I thought the only way out of was to commit suicide.
But I told myself I couldn’t do that to my son.
What if he tried to find me only to find out I killed myself? How would the effect him and his life. I was not prepared to let that happen, as hard as it was for me to keep going,
I had to keep going for my birth son.
As the years went on I had more and more trouble dealing with depression, dealing with suicidal thoughts. Sleep was basically unheard of, or if I slept my night dreams were so awful I would wake up screaming, or crying and shaking.
These would effect me for days.
When I finally couldn’t take it anymore I went to my doctor who sent me to a specialist. Talking to the doctor was difficult. She started by asking me about when I was a child, I told her about the abuse from my Father as early as when I was in a crib. Chasing my Mum around the crib, and so many more brutal events.
Crying because I was so scared.
She said “Okay”. I said “No that’s not all”.
“I was mentally and physically abused by my father from the time I was about 6 months old. And sexually abused.”She said “Okay”. I said “No that’s not all”.
“I said my first boyfriend not only physically abused me but screwed around on me. I even discovered him in bed with my best friend.”She said “Okay”. I said “No that’s not all”.
“My best friend and I married because my Mum wanted to make sure I was taken care of because, though I didn’t know then, she had breast cancer.”She said “Okay”. I said “No that’s not all”.
“I said my first husband basically didn’t want to have anything to do with me. One night he threw me out of the home, into the snow, wearing only a robe. I had to call my Uncle to come and get me, which he took me to their home and safety”She said “Okay”. I said “No that’s not all”.
“My second husband not only beat the hell out of me but he screwed around on me. He also killed my cat and got rid of my dog ”She said “Okay”. I said “No that’s not all”.
“When I found out I was pregnant my parents basically abandoned me. They were never around, they didn’t seem to care about me, or or my child. I was totally left alone.”She said “Okay”. I said “No that’s not all”.
“I was forced to give up my birth son. I believe they were paid by the adoptive parents for him. When he was born, he was taken away from me right at birth. It broke my heart, my spirit and my soul.”She said “Okay”.
I said “No that’s not all, there’s more”.…
I was diagnosed with multiple PTSD.
Between the severe abuse by my father, and the loss of my birth son, the abuse of many men in my life, from my first boyfriend through my husbands, I developed post-traumatic stress disorder. I didn’t know it way back then. I thought I was depressed.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop after a very stressful, frightening or distressing event.
I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Multiple PTSD = Complex PTSD. Treatment for complex PTSD is not easy. You can’t go to a group because it doesn’t help, you can’t talk because that doesn’t see to help either. All that seems to help is medication.
To help me sleep at night without waking up in such fear that I am shaking, sweating, and barely able to breath. The medication works to a degree, but the memories are still there.
Recovery from this disorder? I don’t think there is a recovery
Dealing with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is with medication. It helps to keep it at bay, at least to a degree.
How many others are dealing with this?
So many women who have had their children taken likely come from background that could be as filled with additional trauma and therefore are candidates for multiple PTSD, just like me.
For me my only thought of recovery is making it through the night without terrifying dreams. Making it through the day with the love of my life husband Billy…
And maybe someday my birth son will come back in my life. I pray he will. That may ease some of these awful effects from PTSD, though none of these are his fault.
I love you Jamie
