Jamie’s girlfriend called me the next day and we had a very long conversation. She said that no matter what Jamie did she would at least allow me to have contact with my birth grandson — her son (though I had not met him yet).
A brief from my journal — August 25, 1992:
- She said how she thought things went well with Jamie and I.
- She said if things didn’t work out she would keep in touch.
- She said Jamie is thinking about me meeting their son, my grandson, on Wednesday. They are going to house sit at his father’s place and I could go there.
- She said if he had not called me by Wednesday she would call me at noon on Wednesday.
When I got off the phone from his girlfriend…
I wrote in my journal — August 25, 1992:
“I can’t believe how hard it is to sit here and wonder about him. What is he thinking — why hasn’t he called.. knowing how much I love him and how it hurts for him to stay away like this. Does it hurt him so much that he doesn’t even want to talk to me on the phone, but what can I do?
I don’t have a phone number or address.
I wish it was last night again so I could be with him. Maybe I could have said something differently or done something differently. Couldn’t he see in my face and in my eyes that I am his mother and I do love him?
I know I have to think about the very real possibility that he is just too hurt.… too angry… too scared to go any further. I have to face the very real possibility that all of the above is happening and that is why the silence. As much as I am happy that ‘J’ (his girlfriend) said that she is on my side and wants it to work, the final decision is his. God what am I going to do if he walks away.”
That night was very difficult. I thought I had come all this way to meet my birth son only that once and that would be the end of it. That night I felt like I should just leave. That I was hurting him as much as I was hurting.
Journal entry August 25, 1992:
“Tonight I feel that I should leave. What right do I have to interfere in his life when he didn’t want to know me anyways. What made me think that I could erase 22 years of hurt. He met me, he saw my face, he looked in my eyes and he’s still silent. I’m at the point right now where I am very prepared to say to him I am sorry for all the damage and I’m sorry I walked into his life when he didn’t want me to. I can’t hurt him anymore. My dear son Jamie I love you.”
Tonight I have to hold onto to the offer of seeing him again at his girlfriend’s Father’s home when they were scheduled to house sit. I pray this will happen…
