When I got back to the place I was staying on this visit I could not sleep. I tried to go to bed around 1:00 am but just tossed and turned. I was awake at 5:00, wandered around the apartment thinking of everything that had happened. Wondering if I would see my birth son again. I went back to sleep around 7:00 and back up around 9:00.
A quote from my journal entry early a.m August 25, 1992
“Every time I closed my eyes I would see his face. All I wanted to do was hold him, and talk to him, and tell him everything was going to be ok. Tell him that I love him. Tell him I won’t hurt him and will never leave him.”
My birth son’s girlfriend called me in the afternoon to make sure I was ok. She told me that Jamie wanted to call last night but he felt it was too late.
She said, again, that it went well. She said that he could have stayed there until morning except he was very confused, but happy. From what she was saying it sounded like he was concerned I might reject him — leave him.
A quote from my journal entry August 25, 1992
“I told (his girlfriend) that if everything went well I wanted to move back to Ontario. That having lost all these years with him I didn’t want to lose anymore.”
His girlfriend said that Jamie is thinking about me meeting his son (my grandson!!!) She said I could come to them where they will be house sitting on the weekend.
She and I talked about the birth, him being taken away. I told her of months later they searched for me and once found they forced me to the lawyers home to sign adoption papers and how I was begging my Mother not to make me do it. I told her that this drove me on a ‘suicide mission’ (more on this later) and I have no idea why I didn’t die.
A quote from my journal entry August 25, 1992
“She said she told Jamie that I had suffered enough and that I had been paying for this for 22 years. She thinks he understands some of it but she said he is scared.
She told me that if things didn’t work out she’d be happy to keep in touch with me and let me know how Jamie is doing and of course and her son (my grandson) was doing.”
A quote from my journal entry August 25, 1992
“I can’t even think that this won’t work now. How do you go on when the reason you have been alive for the last 22 years walks away. How could I ever close my eyes again and not see his face, his eyes, his smile. How could I go back to Vancouver knowing I would never see him again. How could I live without him. I don’t think I could. I don’t think I want to. My heart says it will work out but that’s not his heart.”
More to come…
