At one point during dinner Jamie left the table and his girlfriend told me it was going really and the he was happy. She said he figured that he would just come and meet me and then leave — say an hour at most. He had even made plans to go out with his friend “J” (I found out later he called “J” and cancelled).
She told me that they were having problems in the relationship and that she thought him meeting me might help that. Shortly after that his adoptive Mom told him I was looking for him and she encouraged him to meet me.
Jamie said a lot of things about my mother and father and about his birth father. He was angry.
I told him I had a great pregnancy. I told him about craving Harvey’s hamburgers (he said he loves them). I said that how I slept was always his choice. He would pick his side and if I tried to sleep on that side he would fuss in my tummy until I had to roll over. I told him about his toes showing when he kicked and how it scared my friend who saw it. I ‘briefly’ told him about when I was in labor and that we both had a very hard time and we both almost died.
A quote from my journal entry August 24, 1992
“I watched him as I talked about all of this. I could see in his eyes that it was important to hear. He smiled a lot. He has a wonderful simle! When he stared into space I would look at him and I would know he was doing exactly what I would do — off in his own world — thinking private thoughts.”
Jamie’s girlfriend told me his adoptive parents were not happy about this — our meeting. That his Mother was not totally opposed but this Father was. His Father feels I gave up any right to him long ago. Jamie said only his parents know about us meeting (Jamie has 2 siblings — they are adopted as well).
We talked about music and who we love is so similar. We talked about loving to drive when upset and how it calmed us. So many similar things… so many.
He told me he doesn’t remember much of his childhood. He told me he had problems in school and with anger.
A quote from my journal entry August 24, 1992
“Somewhere in this I told him that I lost a couple of years after he was born. That basically I was on a suicide mission.” ( I will go into this at some point).
He went on to tell me that he had tried to harm himself and what had happened. It was very graphic and tore me apart hearing it. I thought how I did this to him — but I didn’t want any of this to happen. It was not my choice, I wanted him with me.
A quote from my journal entry August 24, 1992
“At the end of the evening we stood outside and said our good-byes. I told his girlfriend I was really glad she came. She left Jamie and I alone.
Jamie said he would call. I asked him if I could have a hug now and he said ok. We held each other and I didn’t want to let go. This was the first time I had held my son since he was born!! When I did let go we said our good-byes and went to our cars.
I sat in the car crying. His girlfriend came over and said that Jamie wanted her to come over and make sure I was ok. I told her I would be and she said he would call.
They started to leave and so did I, but I had to stop and try to get myself together before I tried to drive. I saw them backing up and I didn’t want a scene so I started to drive away. Jamie beeped at me so I pulled over. He got out of his car and walked over to the window and put his hand on my arm and said everything was ok. He would call me tomorrow. I brushed his face with my hand and touched his shoulder with my hand and told him I would be ok.
He walked away and got back in his car. He waited for me to drive out of the parking lot first. I drove off one direction and he drove off onto the highway in the other direction. I pulled over to watch his car — see his tail lights disappear. I sat and cried. When I finally could get it together enough and drove, very slowly, and I cried all the way home. I didn’t want to let him go.”
As I write these words I can feel the emotion as if it was just happening. I can see him coming up to the car window, I can feel my touch on his face and his shoulder, I can see him walking away and the sinking feeling I may never see him again…
More to come…
