As I write this I can honestly say that I don’t remember much between the epidural and the delivery room.
Let me tell you what I do remember. Probably once I write this I will remember more in my dreams.
After I received the epidural I was told the contractions would ease and the swelling should go down. The contractions did, to a degree, the swelling was still a major concern.
I remember my Mum sitting beside me and holding my hand. At one point I looked at her hand and it was terribly bruised from me grabbing it when I felt a contraction. I told her I was sorry. She just smiled and said I would be ok.
The doctor came in many times during the hours to check on me. I was loosing ‘steam’ so he decided that is was time to try and deliver him.
I was moved into a room that looked very much like an operating room. It was dark and cold, at least to me. I remember many people around me. I remember someone trying to put a mask on me and I pushed it away. They told me it was oxygen and I needed it. I remember seeing more and more people come into the room.
I remember hearing voices saying to push…saying I could do it. Then I remember floating above my body. I could see all the medical equipment. I could see me on the table. I could see so many people standing around urging me on — telling me I could do it. I was so in ah in seeing all the medical staff in the room. I knew I was dying. I knew I had to hang on for my son to live and that was all I cared about.
Then I remember hearing the doctor saying “one last push” and the people in the room (looked liked about a dozen) yelling — almost a cheer — “one last push — you can do it- you can do it” and all of a sudden I was back in my body and felt this most incredible experience. The gift of birth. I heard him cry and I felt this most incredible rush — like someone had given me the best drug on earth — and then it was still.
I looked around and saw the clock. It was a few minutes after 7:00 am (April 15th).
I looked around to see someone bundling up my son. I saw them walk out the door with him. I tried to yell out for him but I didn’t have the strength to utter a sound. I thought that they must have taken him to make sure he was ok because of all we had been through.
I looked for my doctor but couldn’t tell who or where he was with so many medical staff around.
I remember a whisper of “is my son ok”. I remember wondering why they had taken him from me before I could hold him.
My son was taken at birth.
