I was reading my journal tonight because I wanted to update my ‘meeting Jamie’ posts and came across something I thought I should talk about.
I think I mentioned before that after Jamie was taken from me I went back to the doctor who delivered him to ask him to help me get him back.
He refused and told me he could no longer treat me and kicked me out of he is office.
The journal entry says “He literally walked me out of the office and I was crying my eyes out. He closed the office door and that was it. I walked through the office, past the nurse and patients crying and it was like I didn’t exist”
During this time I had a huge combination of colorful pills.
I don’t know what they were or who gave them to me since my doctor kicked me out.
I remember, on a number of occasions at during that time, being so upset that I would put a bunch of these pills in my hand and decide to take them by the color. I took lots of pills and lots of colors. I couldn’t cope with the loss. I didn’t want to feel anything.
I don’t know, to this day, why I didn’t die.
I believe I had someone watching over me.
So what I am saying to you, when you child is taken don’t give up. As much as you may want to it’s not the right way to go. It’s not the right thing to do.
If nothing else you will, and do, have a life ahead of you.
You may also have the chance to meet your child in the future. You don’t want them to feel some sort of responsibility for your death do you? No.
Reach out to your family. They may not understand what you are going through. Reach out to friends. This may be beyond their understanding but that doesn’t mean they can’t comfort you. And do reach out for professional help.
I didn’t think I would find Jamie and I did. I am so glad I was still here.
Make sure you are still here too so that you have the chance to meet your birth child. I know it can be a minute at a time, a deep breath at a time, but do it. For you and your child.
((HUGS))
